http://mattfraction.com/post/63999786236/sorry-to-put-this-on-you-but-i-have-an-honest-question
I responded there:
- I didn't notice this was Matt Fraction until the little subscribey-thing at the end. I saw him live at W00tst0ck ... that experience and this read are adding really interesting color to each other.
- I'd forgotten how universally it sucked to be a nerd when we were growing up : P : (.
- (Long comment just turned into my own Fb post. Sharing this.)
And then I FbShared the link:
My comments/reactions follow, in the Comments.
Thank you, ~N.
And here is my story, bulletted as I entered it into my own comment-string:
- Firstly, I saw this guy live on stage doing what I suppose was kind of a secular testimonial during this amazing cultural nexus called "w00tst0ck" ... he is clearly valued by a huge number of people. Although I have never gone to find his blog before, the person who asked this question clearly expects the straight shit from him, and I am a *giant* fan of that.
- And then on a personal scale, I feel like this calls out my testimonial as well. Whenever I was what I call "actually suicidal" (actively on the edge of killing myself, as opposed to "just" feeling like I couldn't go on), whatever part of my psyche was like "oh, crap, NO!" about the overall 'desire' to be dead-and-gone pushed to find and lock onto something singular-but-significant -- in my case I needed to make myself responsible to someone outside my head ... just one person, but they needed to not only care about me but be daily in my life right then. Like, I knew they would be someone who would walk in the room and be both wrecked and incredibly angry that I had given up.
There are only two periods, in my long walk with severe depression (ages 12 to 30-something, I suppose, although I wangled a couple of good years in my early 20s), when I was "actually suicidal" -- but I was "suicidal" (thoughts of ending it all, "how can I go on?," etc.) a LOT. All of high school, for sure. - In college my one-thing was calling my college-bestie [C]. In true [C] style, her response was along the lines of "WHAT THE FUCK?!?" -- but she held me accountable ;).
When my ex left, I stayed alive for the baby inside, and then for the helpless nursing baby, and then for the kids whose dad wasn't really ready to be a single dad, much less a single dad with four wrecked children because Mommy was dead. Luckily/blessedly, the weight of my incapacitating depression lessened slightly more slowly than my ex's capabilities as a parent, because if at any point during that long upward trek I had perceived that he could handle the kids sans Mommy, I was wayyyyy too close to the edge to guarantee I'd still be here.
There are so many what ifs.
If I had believed in the choice of abortion (really believed, personally, not as a theoretical), I can tell you right off John probably wouldn't have been born ... and in a period when I literally believed, with all my injured heart, that I was worthless, but I couldn't argue that the little person inside would agree, his life provided a frame of reference that did not allow me to kill myself.
If ex had gotten his gun(s) before he left the house -- I actually don't know whether he did, because i told him that if he did, he *had to* NOT tell me, because I knew I was too close ... would I have found some one thing to hold me back, even with a handgun around? I don't know. - After ex had been gone a while, I realized I didn't remember what it felt like to be happy ... that I hadn't laughed, literally I think, in over two years.
It was about a year later, well after I had stopped being "actually suicidal" (although still pretty frikkin' overwhlemed and tired) that something happened (I don't remember what) and I realized I felt "happiness" ... oh. my. God. - But life has been so worth living.
- So thank you to everyone who is a part of my life :).
And then some responses from my awesome community :) ...
- [CWF:] More happy hugs in hallway on Monday, glad you are part of my parenting support circle and more!
- [JC:] I am stunned speechless and in tears at the depth and courage of what you are sharing here, Kirsten. Thank you for touching me deeply, and for teaching me so much. Love to you.
- [me:] :). thanks, [CWF] :).
- [me:] Wow, Fb, way to fail to update : P (glad I hit refresh just in case!) ... and: thank you, [JC] :). Not enough people in my life know that which was so hidden. I am glad this opportunity came up to share, and that "my peeps" value real connection and emotional safety enough that I (feel like I) can share this.
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